Riding an Emotional Rollercoaster

In family friends, motivation by Michael Michelini18 Comments

My family has a history of bipolar disorder. When I was younger, I went to a psychiatrist to see if I had signs of bipolar. The doctor said it wasn’t likely I had it, and that maybe by my mid-twenties if I didn’t have it, then most likely it wouldn’t show up. I never was admitted to a hospital for a nervous breakdown, but damn all throughout my life I feel I have come near it. Maybe I don’t want to face it. I am scared to think I have it. I ride highs and I crash into lows.

What is Bipolar disorder basically its riding highs and lows, extremely manic excited one time, and then crashing low and depressed the next. My friends who are doctors say I don’t have it, and doctors have given me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I’m not an extreme case, but really I don’t know if I am like normal people. I guess I enjoy the creative side of it, Vincent van Gogh, Kurt Cobain had it, running off highs and lows of creativity and destruction.

I remember some of the girls I would date had it, I introduced some to my mom and she told me I shouldn’t be attracted to these kinds of girls just because of my family history. Maybe that wasn’t why I was attracted to them, I thought I liked the traveling, free spirit “life partner” (well we are talking about one specific girl, but anyway). My mom said I deserved better.

Towards my last year at Deutsche Bank, I went to a couple psychiatrists in new york. One told me how can I be so sad, that I had the greatest life people would die for, working a great paying job on Wall street, living in the city, lots of friends, parties. But I hated waking up each day. One doctor put me on anti-depressants, he eased it over saying don’t worry, everyone in New York takes them and he laughed saying new york city should “just put it in the water system”. I think it made me gain weight, and some other side effects. It was another reason I had to get out of my job. I thought I would be happier working for myself. I went to California, got off the meds, and de-stressed. I did some china sourcing, and newyorkbarstore.com. Actually I called it “shadstone marketing” but felt no one would pay me to do SEO or marketing, and China sourcing was a more solid business, where I have more control.

Then I scheduled the trip to China a few months later and decided that was where the action was, a new adventure, a new opportunity and I took it. Would make it happen. China is a growing market, I will make it happen.

But I hated dealing with factories, and being a middle man between a factory and a client. I probably hired the wrong people too, and blah blah. Then I switched into SEO through spyble project, to saleslion, then back to newyorkbarstore with some SEO projects. Then questioned why am I in China. Google China was shutdown, facebook blocked, twitter, etc. how can I do English SEO in a country that speaks chinese and is blocking English websites?

Taking over newyorkbarstore and doing English web marketing led me to Philippines, where costs are lower and English language is everywhere – its almost like an extension of America in a way.

But the time zone difference, and the distance from the majority of my clients, both for SEO and newyorkbarstore. I had to make a trip to USA anyway, and Tayan’s wedding was a good reason to come back as I was one of the best men, and I hadn’t seen friends and family in so long. And I would see how I felt when I returned to usa after two and a half years.

At first I got so excited, all these people, friends, and colleagues I hadn’t seen in so long. A few people saying they would do new business with me if I stuck around New york. I saw the mobile and local internet opportunities. And I have been struggling with focus in business….balancing the SEO and the newyorkbarstore things. Maybe if I smash them together, using local NYC SEO / web marketing mixed with bar products, promotions (product promo and event organizing) it would make sense.

Seemed to make sense, I would work with some alliances I have made in New york over the past 6 years doing this bar products, China sourcing, and SEO type projects. Hpoefully get a part time gig at Stevens tech speaking about things. Had a lot of friends offering me sublets, and other local deals. Windows seem to start opening. The more I told people I was sticking around USA, the more opportunities and windows made sense.

But my costs keep on rising…..and this bar products business is spinning out of control….i thought I had a guy to help me ship and receive in New Jersey, but the miscommunication between the sending warehouse upstate and the trucking company made it out to be more pallets then he could fit, forcing me to rent a storage unit and ship myself. I couldn’t put the stuff in a cheaper place far away from the city, I didn’t have a car. And I thought it would make me one step closer to opening a local store / showroom in new york city. Its only a month to month contract for the storage unit, but I cannot imagine moving it again…took 6-8 hours of hard, manual labor (I am not a guy good with my manual labor, haha). Now my alliances in NY don’t seem as strong…or I put too much confidence in things happening quickly….

I have gotten out of the agreement to sublet my friends place in manhattan. He agrees I am not ready, and I cant get into that position yet. But now what, I have “no strings”, and my return ticket to China is still set for Nov 11. I haven’t made any monumental contracts or sales in New york yet…and its been a month. Sure there is a pipeline, and its only been a month, blah blah. I know I don’t have patience.

Then people ask me what I wanna do. I have still been deciding “what I wanna be when I grow up”. And this is why I think I have bipolar. I am too quick to get excited, I don’t do enough research. I then crash.

So here I am, on a 4 hour bus to Virginia to Tayan’s wedding, typing this on my laptop with a nice old lady sleeping next to me….thinking….do I live in NY, NJ? If not in manhattan, sure a cheaper place nearby. Maybe Connecticut. Or florida – near my family. And the weather there is nice. I don’t want to be tied to 1 specific location. I want to keep traveling – and internationally travel for sure. Maybe go back to China – but I am a little unsecure there with politics and the stupid GFW blocking every website I use. Maybe Philippines, live on a beach and have a small office of cool staff there. Maybe Thailand. I do want to visit India, and travel to other parts of Asia. But I also want to check out Russia, and south America – maybe go on an African safari too.

Yes…I am crazy, but not sure how crazy or what type of crazy. This is why I blog, because I am alone wandering around this world, and I kind of feel like a fool at this moment. I would love to be a blogger, and author, a speaker, and travel. How to make that a living that could pay enough for me to do that.

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  1. I think if you real want to do something that you were interesting and want be successful then you need be more patience! northing is easy in the begining and northing that you can get so quickly to the top! there has some process need to be set one by one,that is what my brother does, he starting to running his own business since 2004, I can tell he real tired hard and his best to focusing on his business, but once you have more client and the business running stable then everything will be easy! actually i think you do have the Characteristics of being a hard working person and a good spirit too, not fear of trouble as you can solve it, anyway i m just say it here, maybe I m wandering, haha! NEVER GIVE UP! remember!!!!!!!

    1. Author

      Thanks Wendy.

      Well, I have been trying fulltime since may 2007 and part time since oct 2004….so much has happened anf changed, maybe I did do what I wanted to and I learned so much, met so many great people all over the world, it is amazing

      I just think its because I am not focusing, and I am finally ready to let go of some business

  2. hey mike, i dun think u’v to worry too much.
    u r that kinda guy who always wanna push things to extreme…gd or bad. still that’s u, so yet as i said, deal with it.

    n i dun think u r abnormal at all, i’d say u r pretty strong to face all these sorta crazy shit happening in china n all over the world (where u’v biz at).

    everyone wanna travel around, as long as we can do it so y not?

    i’m not sure if india’s suitable, i went to mumbai, i’d say i can’t really live there…there r alot of expats, sz i’d say yes i could. never been to phillippines but seems like u r a very simple person (in living) n u r very adaptable. so yea, try that out.

    thailand esp bkk’s super cool, i can live there, but mayb it’s not that cheap as well?

    somehow china’s not that ideal but u coped really well so far rite?

    keep thinking but also giv time for ur brain to rest, mayb u should meditate…it’s really gd to keep ur mind free for a while n stay positive. so for me, i seldom feel sad / depressed / stressed.

    let’s talk more n hope to c u soon anywhere 😉
    i’ll prob still b in hk, i guess.

    1. Author

      Cool Lammy,

      I guess my path isnt so clear anymore, but I am reallt forcing myself to focus . And do what I want to do.

      So many of my friends in america tell me to just take a dayjob!! I dont want to be normal like everyone else

      I didnt say I would live im india, but I would try to spend at least a couple weeks in mumbia and experience it myself

      But I think I do have extremes, which is why I think I have some slight mental disorder……

  3. hey mike,
    hang in there bro. ur ok. i am amazed at the pace of life that you live. its just really high paced and when you live like that its gonna be very emotional. you need a bit of sleep and to relax for a bit and you’ll be refreshed and thinking straight again. i dont know if you have some disorder, i dont think so, i think you’re a normal guy with normal problems. everyone has problems and issues. you have the balls to put yourself out there and dive into the business world. I dont even know what you do half the time, how your business works, what services you provide, but its exciting following your story and getting a glimpse of your life. you do however do one thing very well. you very often step back and evaluate yourself, your situation. you continuously evaluate and keep yourself on track. so keep doing that. life is all about ups and downs. you’re good at it. and i think you are getting to that point where you’ll be able to travel and blog about it and make a living off that. cause it sounds like you can do that. love the blog.
    see ya soon

    1. Author

      Thanks dude,
      Glad you like the blog, its actually become one of my most enjoyable things to do, I have always liked to reflect on things, as far back as I can remember, (talking to my mom and sister about movie reviews at like 6 years old driving home after afternoon matinee theater special)

      Yea, maybe everyone has these same thoughts and provlems and I am just brave/stupid enough to blog it openly….maybe its good others can relate

      Also I think its because many people dont think they can live the lives they want to live and get a job and pay the bills and thats it

      I just wont accept that

  4. Hey Mike,

    Big of you to lay all this out there like that – good for you! I think we’ve talked enough for you to know how I feel about you and your relationship with yourself.

    Your not bipolar, your crazy in the way that most people are crazy – as a result of your experiences growing up as they interacted with who you are. We all take bits, learn things, that we might not want for ourselves from the experience. Eventually we come to a point in our lives where we can evaluate and redefine who we are in our own image of ourselves. That’s where I believe we are now and where we’re supposed to be, so I wouldn’t get down about being less than absolutely clear!

    If I could give you but one peice of advise it would be to simply and as basically as possible define yourself – in terms that make sense to you – and then find reason to love and believe in yourself. Your a pretty awesome dude – define that and just let yourself love yourself for being who you are. I really believe that’s all you need – it will empower you to fix all the problems I think your struggling with right now.

    I don’t know if you remember when I told you about the goals I set for myself this year. Probably the most important commitment I made to myself was to be happy. I decided that I deserve to be happy – a seemingly simple conviction that was anything but.

    When I sit back and look at my history from my early teen years up to about a year ago… and still sometimes nowadays – I found that I did things that ultimately ended up hurting myself. I operated in a way that showed I was saying to myself “you do not deserve to be happy” – my actions spelled out “you believe you do not deserve to be loved,” an deep seeded lesson I picked up from my childhood. This is more typically an emotional phenomena experienced by females, but as you know I’m very in touch with my feminine side :).

    You know the most significant barriers before us are the ones we hold up against ourselves – loving yourself, in my opinion, is an essential first stop to breaking down those barriers.

    BTW!! You always have a bed here in China if you need it. I just moved into a bigger place so I have a spare room 🙂

    1. Author

      Thanks Dave,
      Yea we have had many talks, seems ill be back and take this november 10 flight to hong kong, need to hash stuff out over there anyway, may need that spare bed!! In OCT?

      I just gotta let go of some of the million things I am doing

      1. In the same building – 32nd floor got a sexy 3BR.

        If the opportunity is paying you peanuts – f*ck’m!!! I’m still tied into 3 things myself >.< – 2 for marginally better than peanuts…. I'll get there eventually – heh.

  5. Wow – alot of info to digest about you!
    I also went through some anxiety/panic attacks a few years ago. It disabled me to the point where I had to stop working for almost a year and a half. The hardest part was listening to my body tell me that there was something seriously wrong and if I didn’t listen then maybe I wouldn’t be writing this today. I had to regroup and learn to de-stress too.
    They say your mind is a terrible thing to waste but, I think your mind processes your ideas like a computer and you just have to catch up to implement the ideas.
    I am not a big fan of anti-depressants, sometimes it just messes you up more. I think with healthy eating habits, exercise and a good support system that’s what we all need to get through our rough patches.
    Mikey – you know I’m always there for you!

    1. Author

      yea Norn…..I just let it all out there…..hope this post won’t get me in trouble one day…..

      yea, I have had a couple times in China where I have slept like 2 days straight….didnt want to leave my bedroom…..its crazy…..

      maybe when I get back to Philippines I will spend some time on the beach

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  9. hey,i love the picture so much! it can makes me get many thoughts.
    I like the color blue,someone says that’s depression. Maybe i am a depression girl. But i just keep silence more times rather than talk loudly.

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