I was in the Philippines, and I was on a skype phone from a room I had never been in before. I was talking to Andrew that I had given up newyorkbarstore. He was telling me its ok, and that I tried the best I could….it must have been late morning because Andrew was awake (so it was his night) I was also worried others, staff, suppliers, customers, may blame me or think I gave up, or let them down.
I get off the phone and look for you and the rest of the friends here in Philippines. I see kids running in the streets, saying the big rain is coming. I run down the street following the crowd and see them all slipping under a hole in the fence. I am the last one to go under the fence, but I am bigger (fatter) and get stuck more…but some old man on the other side helps pull me through.
I come into a cleaner, “no rain coming” tropical island. In a treehouse. Drinking coffee. Talking with marie and others. But then I was worried people would leave me. And I would get lost. I didn’t want to be alone. The friends there tried to assure me I wouldn’t be left by myself….but I couldn’t stop being paranoid.
So what does this mean? I think its means I have to let go of things holding me back. I have to get through some rainy times…maybe I’ll get stuck. Maybe I am not the same as everyone else. I have to ask others for help. And there are good people who are willing to help me. Once I get through the tough times, maybe there are brighter times. And that I will have good friends to support me in the things I do, the places I go.
I wonder if I will always be paranoid of people leaving me. That is maybe why I keep traveling. I am afraid of being dependent on people. I don’t want to be in a weak position….